Unity in Marriage Points to Jesus

June 20, 2019 by Kelli LaFram Leave a Comment

All this month on the blog, we’ll be exploring the marriage metaphor found in Scripture. Check out previous posts in this series.

Lighting a unity candle is a relatively new tradition in Christian weddings. It symbolizes two individuals joining together in one relationship. The bride and the groom each take their own tapers and together light a third candle, usually a pillar. Once their flames have been united and the pillar is lit, they each extinguish their individual tapers. They are no longer two, but united as one.

Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. ~Genesis 2:24.

The unity a man and wife share in one flesh is a reflection — albeit a dim reflection — of the unity we have with Jesus. According to the Apostle Paul, because the marriage is a metaphor for the relationship between Christ and the Church, wives are to submit to their husband and husbands are to love their wives as they love themselves.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ~Ephesians 5:22-30

Could you imagine the trust your husband would have in you if you submitted to and trusted him the way the Church is to submit to and trust Jesus? Could you imagine how fearlessly you would live if you knew that your husband loved you and would protect you the way Jesus does for his Bride? I try but I don’t think my mind can fully grasp how freeing this would be for both me and my husband. I can only begin to imagine what we could accomplish together in this life if we fully loved, submitted to, and trust each other the way God intends us to.

Now, remember that a Christian marriage is a picture for Christ and his bride the Church. What do you think He wants to accomplish through His relationship with His bride? What do you think could happen if she fully submitted to Him? What do you think could happen if she fully understood His love for her? When she fully respected His authority? When she knew that she was utterly cherished and completely protected?

I’ll tell you! Amazing things, that’s what! Christ’s Bride would reflect his glory, people would be drawn to the remarkable power of the gospel, and old, dead lives would be made knew.

When we see couples that are truly united, when they have let go of being individuals and are fully committed to being “one flesh” we notice. There is something special about their marriage that is intriguing. We recognize her respect for him and his love for her and we go, “I want that, too!” That is also the purpose of the oneness of Christ and His Bride.

Jesus is sanctifying her and cleansing her with the washing of water with the word. He is making His Bride glorious — without spot, wrinkle, or blemish — so that others notice. Her beauty is a reflection of His love her and is intended to make others say “I want that, too! I want to know that love. I want to be cherished the way you are. I want to know your Jesus. Please tell me the Gospel.”

The Gospel.

That is it.

When it’s all boiled down, our unity in marriage is meant to point others to Jesus and the Gospel — the good news that we sinner, who deserve eternal separation from God, are loved with His great love and can enjoy life in Christ for eternity.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us,even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. ~Ephesians 2:4-7

Whether or not a Christian couple lights a unity candle together during their wedding they are beginning a beautiful relationship that reflects the stunning love that Jesus has for us. Though husband and wife will make mistakes and continue to sin as they walk this earth together, they can rest in the knowledge that they are cherished by Jesus and he loves them as He loves Himself.

Some Days I Just Want to Give Up
3 Ways to Surrender in Your Home

April 9, 2013 by Teri Lynne Underwood 9 Comments

There are these people in my life. The demanding sort of people. The kind who always seem to be there at the most inopportune moments. The kind who don’t always think about what they say and how they say it. The kind who always, always want something from me. Sometimes, these people make me really tired. Often they frustrate me in ways I can’t even put into words. One, in particular, has the unique ability to find my last remaning nerve and jump on it. Another knows every one of my buttons and sometimes it seems finds inexplicable joy in pushing them, all at the same time.

These are the people who ask me questions like, “Where is my binder?” or “Do you know what time I have to be at the doctor?” They want to know what’s for supper and why there are no clean towels. They demand things like toilet paper in the bathrooms and snacks after school.

Some days, I look at all these people want from me and I really just want to give up.

Who are these tyrants in my life? My family. And, I’d guess if you are a wife and mom, you know exactly what I’m talking about. We’re often expected to be everything, know everything, and do everything—all at once.

A few weeks ago, the Lord laid a verse on my heart. Well, laid is a nice way to say it: Actually He beat me with it.

These lessons on humility are playing out in all sorts of ways … from understanding how hard repentance is to realizing how much I like to be right. But what I’m finding is this learning to “count others more significant” is hardest in my home.

As we spend this month at Do Not Depart considering a life surrendered, contemplating what it means to submit ourselves to the Lord and to one another, I’d guess that for many of us, the hardest place to surrender is in our homes.

I’d like to offer three ways I’m practicing surrender, humility, in my home. Maybe they’ll be helpful to you as well.

Focused Prayer. Each morning I am purposefully praying the Lord will give me a desire to serve the members of my family. In fact, I’ve asked Him to make me miserable if I don’t.
Fresh Perspective. I’ve been making a list of the ways my family members serve others. It helps me see how we are cultivating a heart of serving in our home. I tend to focus on the negative sometimes and this practice is helping me have a clearer view of the reality of our family’s focus and lifestyle.
First Priority. Every day I’m making it my first priority to serve the members of my family. Before I get my coffee, I am trying to make sure my husband has his. When I wake my girl, I’m working hard to use a positive tone and not nag her even when she’s running late.

A surrendered life has to happen at home first. We need to begin by serving first in our homes, learning to count ourselves less significant than the other members of our families. It’s the hardest place … but I firmly believe it’s the one place that carries the most weight.

How do you pursue a surrendered life in your home?

Singles in community

February 19, 2013 by Julie 10 Comments

Is there a place in the faith community for singles? More than half of homes with children in my city are headed by a single parent. The number of adults who are unmarried, divorced, or widowed continues to rise in the United States, but much of church community life focuses on married people. Recently, a godly single friend of mine admitted that she often feels “invisible.” If God sees the life of each individual, married or single, why doesn’t the Church?

With industrialization came assembly line concepts that grouped like pieces for the purpose of efficiency. God didn’t intend for the community life of believers to be so segregated. Instead, His word describes a Body life where a variety of ages and marital statuses blend for greater strength, understanding, and impact. Singles want and need to be in community with married friends, and the whole Church is better when our single friends are part of it.

“For the body does not consist of one member but of many… But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose… If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body… If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it” (from 1 Corinthians 12:4-27).

A “single” member here doesn’t refer to marital status, but to one individual. As each one experiences God’s grace individually, we each have reason to look around us and help every other member be seen, included, valued, and loved. “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).

Many unmarried community members are suffering today, because they long to be in a mixed status, loving community, but they feel invisible. The Body needs the value they bring, and we miss out when they’re absent … or just invisible. If one suffers, the whole Body suffers.

A godly single friend of mine is a treasure in our community, and I asked her to share: What can a married woman do to be a good friend to a single woman?

How to love single women in your community

Respect the single woman and treat her as an equal.

Be interested in your single friend’s life.

Be sensitive to her desire for marriage and accept her for who she is.

Encourage her to serve the Lord with her whole heart in the situation God has placed her in.

Be sensitive to the single woman’s comfort level around children.

Offer to help (don’t wait to be asked). Let her have the joy of helping you.

Pray for and with the single woman.

A “single” (marital status) person doesn’t want or need to be a “single” (only one/alone) person in the community of believers. Let’s see those who are unmarried and help them feel like part of the “one body” of God’s bigger family.

Thankfulness in a hard marriage

November 20, 2012 by Julie 7 Comments

If being in a hard marriage gives a wife a “pass” on having a grateful attitude, Abigail qualified.

When it’s hard to be thankful

God’s word doesn’t tell the circumstances of their courtship, what the groom was like when they wed, or if they’d met before they were joined. By the time the ugly story unravels in 1 Samuel 25, the wealthy husband is called “Nabal,” meaning full of folly and worthless. “The woman was discerning and beautiful, but the man was harsh and badly behaved” (1 Sam. 25:25), and her name was Abigail. Her presence in the narrative of scripture testifies that God sees and knows that sometimes it’s hard for wives to have a grateful spirit, but it’s not impossible.

God designed marriage to reflect the oneness He Himself displays, to be the tender blending of mutual protection and singular intimacy that produces a grateful spirit. But sometimes it falls far short. How can we be grateful in marriages marred by the folly of our flesh?

One woman’s example

Abigail’s grateful display took place on the stage of sheep shearing season, a major event for a businessman with 3,000 sheep and 1,00 goats. As David fled from King Saul, the would-be king sent a request for culturally-expected hospitality; the “worthless” one lived up to his name, inviting David’s vengeance. To have attacked Nabal and his people would’ve tarnished David with “bloodguilt” and spoiled his preparation as future king. Abigail knew David was God’s chosen, anointed king, and she acted boldly out of regard for God’s plans, as well as the honor of her home. Despite her imperfect circumstances and intolerable marriage, she displayed a godly spirit and presented herself in humility. Despite disappointment, she had nurtured a strong heart turned straight after God’s plans. Abigail was satisfied in God and determined to honor Him. The soil of her marriage was hard, but she cultivated an attitude of gratitude.

A God-filled wife is a grateful wife

Abigail found satisfaction, help, and purpose in her Husband-God, and she directed her gratitude to Him. As a God filled wife, Abigail was able to forgive her husband, act for his best, consider his reputation, and give unconditional love aside from his folly. Unable to trust him, she turned her eyes from her human husband and looked to the God she could trust. Sometimes it’s really hard to be grateful in marriage, but it’s possible.

She acted boldly, because she knew, “my lord<David> is fighting the battles of the Lord” (1 Sam. 25:28). Abigail’s story didn’t end with marriage counseling or reconciliation, but with judgment on her husband and a new beginning for her. Declared “Blessed be your discretion, and blessed be you” (v. 33) by David, she answered, “Behold, your handmaid is a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord” (v.41). Humility revealed her grateful heart. In the harshest of marriages, she cultivated an attitude of gratitude.

Proverbs 31 gives a composite picture of the qualities of an excellent wife. Written by King Lemuel, this man was probably a contemporary of Solomon, a son of David. I have to think King Lemuel would’ve known of the woman Abigail and the story of her beautiful, grateful spirit that endured the folly of a drunkard husband and captured the heart of the shepherd-warrior David. Perhaps Abigail inspired the kind of woman described in King Lemuel’s proverb about a wife who does her husband good, “and not harm, all the days of her life” (Prov. 31:12).

To cultivate thanksgiving in a hard marriage

First cultivate trust in God and His plans
Grow your individual faith-roots deep
Pray for your husband and act for his good
Focus on God’s grace to you and give it in return to your mate

If your marriage resembles that of Abigail to Nabal, focus on gratitude in your relationship to God. If you are blessed with a husband who loves you well, don’t take it for granted; express thanks to God and to your man. Every wife can have an attitude of gratitude.

If Abigail was your friend, what would you tell her about God to encourage her?

Proverbs 31 Wrap Up

October 4, 2011 by Teri Lynne Underwood Leave a Comment

We’ve reached the end of our study of Mrs. P31 … and we hope you are with us in declaring:

Over the past few weeks we’ve identified thirteen characteristics of the Proverbs 31 woman … and we hope you have been encouraged by what we’ve learned. Here is a recap of those qualities:

We have been overwhelmed by the response to this series! Thank you!! We appreciate all the comments and shares and tweets … you have truly blessed us by your involvement. We’re looking forward to kicking off our next series, The Names of God, on Monday.

Oh, and speaking of wrapping up … I realized that we never announced the winner of Savoring Living Water! Natalie, it’s you!! I’m emailing you with details and hope you enjoy the ebook.

Come back tomorrow for some important news from our team and on Friday we’ll be sharing an exciting new resource available from our own Stephanie Shott!!

Live ready

September 27, 2011 by Julie 2 Comments

As we’ve been getting to know Mrs. P31, I can’t help thinking about what we aren’t told … What were her heartaches? What losses did she know? How did she suffer? What did she cry out to God about? Did she experience a miscarriage? Did she suffer from a chronic illness? Was her heart ever broken? Was her vineyard stricken by blight or theft?

Every woman’s life will encounter the unexpected, but an excellent wife is prepared.

In just the last few weeks within my “circle of wives,” I’ve heard friends facing surprises like job loss, family illness, husband’s emotional strain, and reject ion by children. As I sat in a waiting room today, a lady came in and sat down to watch the tv showing the national news. A perfect stranger, she turned to me and poured out her fears about family life in the world we live in. She was filled with dread. There’s a lot to dread. There’s a lot to fear. That’s the meaning of the word “afraid” in Prov. 31:21.

The excellent wife “is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet” (v.21). She isn’t afraid of the unexpected occurring, because she has readied her heart and her home for the challenges of life. Sudden changes will come, but she won’t be caught unprepared. Her husband is blessed because of her foresight.

Every woman’s life will encounter the unexpected, so before hardship hits, live ready:

Prepare your heart –

Walk with God. Be in His Word regularly, having a habit of going to His truth for your guidance and help. Hide it in your heart.

Worship God. Practice an attitude of gratitude to the Lord for Who He is and what He does. Don’t wait until it’s hard to rejoice.

Hear God’s Voice. Set a routine of prayer, but not routine prayer. Learn to talk to your Father now, so you go to Him first when trials come.

Fellowship with God’s People. Women who live isolated struggle more when hardship comes. Connect with other followers of God now.

Prepare your home –

Yield your home to God’s values by letting go of the convenient, comfortable, and cultural. God wants our homes to be:

peaceful

orderly

fruitful

godly

If our hearts and homes are prepared, we’ll be free to help our husband when he needs it. We’ll be able to reach out on behalf of our family. We’ll be able to give to others instead of being under our own load. Our heart and faith will be prepared to weather the storms that WILL come as we live out life as our husband’s wife.

Today is the day to prepare for tomorrow. Every woman’s life will encounter the unexpected, so before hardship hits, live ready. An excellent wife is prepared, and her husband is blessed because of it.

Fight the dread, and prepare instead!

Are you always waiting to prepare?
What are you waiting for?
What excuse do you need to confess to God and ask Him to change for a “more prepared” you?

Cross country endurance

September 21, 2011 by Julie 8 Comments

Endurance only happens when there is a challenge, usually accompanied by some pain.

This fall I’m learning so much from cross country. I’m not the runner; I’m the mother of the runner, and as I watch and cheer, I’m observing. Last week a large group of girls gathered at the start, some shooting out fast from the line to take front positions, but they couldn’t sustain it. The winners were those who were committed to their goal, prepared to go the distance, and wise enough to set a good pace.

When was the last time God brought a painful challenge into your life as a wife? As if to work out the P31 gal’s endurance in my own heart in a fresh way, just yesterday the Lord led me to a low place. (You can read the nitty gritty here.) I wrestled between my fleshly desires and my godly ones. A hardship tempts us to cast aside the goal of godliness with excuses like, “That Proverbs 31 wife isn’t even realistic!” The pain suggests we weren’t prepared for something “that disappointing.” We might be inclined to just flop down, burst into tears, and whine out our troubles as if we can not be victorious … aka “meltdown.”

In circumstances that stretch us in life and marriage, we do our husband’s good by resisting the urge to fall apart and striving, instead, to persevere in a godly response. In times of hardship, excellence endures. A challenge involving pain gives us opportunity to do our husband “good” by contributing our endurance.

Oh, Lord, help us be women of excellence who:

commit to the goal of godliness, staying focused on that goal when we are under life’s assault

go the distance and embrace the extra mile it takes to be excellent

set a pace of wisdom we can sustain in our married life

P31 isn’t just a sprinter; she is diligent all day, she makes the most of her available time, she provides what her household needs, and sets her selfishness to do what’s best for her loved ones (vv. 14-15, 18). On the cross country trail, as well as on the marriage trail, there will be women on the course who don’t take their training seriously, and it will show in their lack of victory and in the condition in which they cross the line, if they finish. It was show in their husband’s spirit, freedom, and prosperity. Is he carrying an extra load, or doing life alongside a woman of endurance?

There’s no doubt the course is hard, including challenges that promise pain. We’ll see it on the faces of those around us, and we’ll display it in our own. Marriage isn’t for those who lack commitment to the goal, readiness to go the distance, and wisdom in pacing. The teams that win are teams that endure. Let’s make our husbands glad we’re on their team!

What challenge has God allowed in your life to give you the chance to endure with your man?

Most creative

September 20, 2011 by Julie 6 Comments

In my dark closet corner, there’s a plastic bag stuffed with neatly folded strips of crimson material. It’s remnants of a quilt I began and evidence that I’m a Michael’s craft class drop out. Occasionally, my hand brushes against the sack, and I wonder, “How did I go from being voted “Most Creative” in high school (forget Best Hair, Best Smile ..) to being beaten by a Log Cabin pattern in the back of a craft store? Is there hope for me to reach the bar set by the “Most Creative” wife of Proverbs 31?

I could try to sell you excuses like I’m 25 years older, have a husband to keep up with, children to keep me busy, budget with no line for “craft stuff,” and no extra room to “spread out.” But Mrs. P31 was a gal with similar challenges, and she managed to stock up on supplies and clothe herself to reflect her creative flair … all before Michael’s Crafts and Hobby Lobby existed. Proverbs paints an attainable, even realistic, picture of creativity:

13 “She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.”

19 “She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.”

22 “She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.”

Mrs. P31 has a willing attitude. Her hands weren’t obligated, resentful, or angry; they were willing. The focus is on her willingness to use her time and talent, whatever that looked like, to provide for her home. It’s not the particular craft or task that made her excellent. Her home must’ve been more beautiful, comfortable, and unique, because she was the woman of the house. How motivated are you to be inventive in your home?

She has a wide range of skills. Before online shopping, P31 had to “seek” supplies and use manual implements. No one does everything, but she was resourceful and diverse. Remember this is a composite of qualities to strive for, not a single example to copy. Are you looking for new ways to enhance your home?

With her willing spirit and scope of abilities, P31 approaches creativity with a godly manner. Unlike a child’s first cross-stitch, with strings and knots hanging, the excellent woman’s work is something worthy to cover the bed she shares with her husband, something noble and elegant, reflecting her character. Maybe your strings and knots ARE beautiful! Does your home reflect your spirit?

P31 might be sad for us at the way our lifestyles often crowd out creativity. The beauty we add to our household doesn’t have to look just like hers, but we can pursue her willing spirit, her range of skill, and her godly manner as make our world more enjoyable and interesting.

5 Ways to Be a Creative Wife

Let your creativity come through in cooking. How long has it been since you made something new?

Has God gifted you with skill to beautify the lives of your family? Write a poem; paint a wall hanging; make a rug; plant a garden; invent a pizza; redesign your bedroom; create a scrapbook.

There’s more than one way to keep a home. Use your God-given creative juices to move furniture, organize the closet, make a lunch note, write on a bathroom mirror, or make a quilt (you go girl!).

If you have children, you HAVE to be creative. Get creative with entertaining children, using voices to read aloud, making a table tent, or helping your tween match an outfit.

Take it from the “Most creative” of 1986 – Creativity isn’t limited to paint and mod podge. How about enjoying the freedom to be creative in how you show affection to your husband? He’ll thank you.

Am I jealous of the P31 wife? Maybe I’m jealous of her “bed covering” … but I’m inspired to know I can pursue her willing spirit, her range of skills, and her excellent manner. My creativity will look different from hers and from yours, and we don’t even have to sign up at the local craft store.

I’m praying your home and mine will be more beautiful, unique, artistic, & CREATIVE … because we’re the woman of the house!

What can you do today to make your home more creative?

Fighting Irenes

August 30, 2011 by Julie 3 Comments

Last weekend the US East Coast experienced destruction by a certain female: Hurricane Irene. We tracked her moves, listened to response plans, and rallied our resources to counter her attack. Usually, sea breezes soothe and refresh, and coastal skies fill with pastel palettes of color, but the beautiful and gentle can turn evil. Once past, peace was restored for most, though some lives were forever changed by Irene.

Sexual intimacy is God’s wedding gift, inviting a man and woman to be freely “intoxicated” in love (5:19). Desires are satisfied “at all times with delight” (5:19) when we drink from our “own cistern” (5:15) and enjoy the spouse of our youth (5:18). Physical intimacy in the marriage covenant starkly contrasts stolen delights outside of marriage. If sex within marriage is the warm sands and gentle breezes of a coastal paradise, adultery is the devastation by a tropical tempest coming ashore.

More subtle, less public, yet equally destructive, an adulteress ravages lives. The tempter (male or female) is not only deceiving, but is deceived (5:6). The appearance of an adulteress may be beautiful; her words are persuasive and compelling (7:21). God’s plan for contentment in sexual intimacy (5:15-19) comes up against the Enemy’s plan to take casualties as men and women fall into infatuation with a cheap substitute.

She (the adulteress/adultery):

flatters her targets, married or unmarried
forsakes her own rightful companion
forgets the marriage/spiritual covenants made

Though she may not seem toxic at first contact, “can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched?” (6:28). Death is her own end, and death is what she offers: death of a dream, a relationship, a marriage, a home, a family, a testimony. I’ve listened to many women share their private and painful stories of how an adulterous affair (their own or their husband’s) has broken their hearts and ravaged their homes. I’ve wept with them as they count the high price paid for momentary pleasure. Our Enemy counts his casualties with a smile.

When a man or woman responds to the lust’s lure, “as a bird rushes into a snare; he does not know that it will cost him his life” (Proverbs 7:23). The Enemy doesn’t plan for our contentment; the Enemy, who has always come as an angel of light and beauty, plans to take casualties.

Young couples may think they’re too in love to fall prey. Old couples may think they’re too experienced to fall prey. The truth is that adultery has ravaged many marriages, “many a victim she has laid low, and all her slain are a mighty throng” (Proverbs 7:26). Many have fallen. Many mighty have fallen.

If we warmly embrace or coldly repel the one to whom we’re pledged, God sees. If we welcome (with a glance or an email or a smile) one to whom we are not pledged, God sees. He gives us the gift of sexual intimacy within marriage; “a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths” (5:21). God sees how we use His gift of sexuality, whether we honor Him in our marriages or embrace the Enemy’s substitute.

Never has it been so easy to welcome images into our homes, into the palms of our hands, and ultimately into our hearts, all the while under the adulterous deception that it’s private and harmless.

To avoid the snare:

Attend to and invest in your own marriage. (5:15-19)
Avoid and ignore temptation. (5:8)

The Maker of gentle breezes and pastel sunsets designed joy for us in the miracle of sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. The Enemy adorns his lures in beautiful, non-threatening garments, with voices mimicking the gentle surf. Don’t be fooled. “Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your honor to others and your years to the merciless … For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord …” (Proverbs 5:8, 21).

Passages to explore in Proverbs regarding Adultery: 2:16-19; 5:1-14; 6:20-35; 7:1-17

The Wife Your Marriage Needs

August 29, 2011 by Stephanie Shott 12 Comments

If you’ve been married more than six months you know that marriage isn’t always easy.

In Ephesians 5:23-33 we’re told the Christian marriage is to be a reflection of Christ and the church – a beautiful example to the world of what true sacrificial love and oneness looks like. Unfortunately, the divorce rate in the church is equal to that of the world.

Some have the benefit of their parent’s godly example of a good, strong marriage, but most don’t. There is no How to Do This Marriage Right manual handed out when we say “I Do”. Even as I write this, I realize many of you may be in messy marriages. Perhaps you feel like you’re shriveling up in a dry and barren relationship or maybe you just know things could be better on the home front.

My prayer is that you’ll have a fresh understanding that our marriages are much more about our relationship with God than they are about our relationships with our husbands.

My prayer for those of you who are hurting and on the edge is that God will make a miracle out of your marriage.

I learned along time ago that I can’t fix my man – but I’m not accountable to God for him. I am, however, accountable for how I act and react in my marriage.

We may not be handed a marriage manual when we say, “I do” but we have the greatest guidebook available…the Word of God. So as we peruse through Proverbs, let’s commit to be doers of the Word and not hearers only regardless of what our husbands do or don’t do.

I promise you, sweet friend, it may not change your man (he has to work on his own issues) but it will certainly change you in the midst of your marriage and help you become the woman your marriage needs.

It’s interesting to note that Proverbs doesn’t give our men many words of wisdom about marriage. Perhaps that’s because with 1,000 women in the house, Solomon was wise enough to know that if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

But we do find two very important directives for every husband to live by:

• Love your wife well and be faithful to her (Proverbs 5:18, 6:28-29).

After all, that’s what the heart of every woman longs for – a man who will really love her ’til the end. When he really loves her, he’ll put her needs before his own; he’ll protect her and provide for her; he’ll try to understand the longings of her heart; he’ll even make those late-night trips to the store for Midol, ice cream and a movie – because when he loves her well… he loves her with his life. That’s what sacrificial love looks like.

Words of Wisdom for the Wife:

The best list of traits that should identify a Christian wife are found in the oh-so-intimidating verses of Proverbs 31:10-31.

• She’s a woman of strong character whom her husband can trust to do what is good and right for him and their family. Her man can trust her with his heart, his home and his finances (Proverbs 31:10-12).

• She’s a wise, diligent, hard-working woman who takes care of herself, her hubby and her household. She’s much too busy to be found sitting on the couch eating bonbons and watching soap operas all day (Proverbs 31:13-19,21-22,24).

• She has a servant’s heart and ministers to the poor (Proverbs 31:20).

• She is a woman of dignity who is wise with her words and, much like a boy scout, is always prepared for the unexpected (Proverbs 31:25-27).

• Like a pillar, she upholds her husband and helps him become all he can be. In the process she garners the praise of her man and their children. Her own works sing her praises, as well (Proverbs 31:23,28).

• She understands that true beauty is found in a heart that fears the Lord. Her life comes from the overflow of her relationship with God (Proverbs 31:10).

More Words for the Wife from Proverbs:

• A good wife is a priceless treasure to her husband (Proverbs 12:4, 18:22, 31:10).

• A prudent and understanding wife is from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22, 19:14).

• An irritable, quarrelsome, critical and complaining wife can make a man wish he never said, “I do” (Proverbs 21:9, 25:24, 27:15).

Being the wife your man needs will make you the wife your marriage needs – and vice versa. It isn’t always easy. It’s a day by day diligent and intentional effort of the heart. But we work on being the wife our marriage needs because our marriage is to be an overflow of our relationship with God and a picture of Christ and the church.

As you read through the words of wisdom from Proverbs, did you see any areas you need to work on as a wife? Do you have any godly counsel you can share with other wives that would help them become the women their marriage needs?

Fruitful Vine

June 17, 2011 by ScriptureDig 2 Comments

In the early part of this year, Sandra did a great series called “Rock Your Marriage” with some excellent thoughts to ponder! This is a challenging post that has stuck with me and I often think about it… what does it mean to be a “fruitful vine” in our homes? This post was originally published at Sandra’s blog on Feburary 2, 2011.

Psalm 128:3, “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house…”

I love the imagery of this verse. But what does it mean, and what does it have to do with building our marriages on the rock of God’s Word? Scholars believe it means that the wife is fruitful by having children. That leads into the next verse, which talks about children being like olive shoots. But because

women can be wives and not be mothers, I believe we can apply this verse more broadly.

How can a wife be fruitful, and how can she do it best within her house?

J.R. Miller wrote in his book Home-Making, “…it should be understood that for every wife the first duty is the making and keeping of her own home. Her first and best work should be done there….” (67-68). He wrote those words in 1882, but they are still true today. God gives us many responsibilities and ministries, but our primary calling is to our own homes, our families.We need to see that their needs are met before we meet the needs of others.

Being a fruitful vine within our homes means we give our best to our families. The best of our energy, creativity, and love. Some days this is easier to do than other days. It’s even easier in some seasons of life than in other seasons. We can all evaluate ourselves in light of this verse and find an area of potential improvement.

Rock your marriage today–pray about ways you can be fruitful in your house. Give your home and family more attention than you give anything else. Ask God to bless your obedience to this verse!

Doing Our Husbands Good

June 15, 2011 by ScriptureDig 2 Comments

Sandra first posted this on her blog in September of 2010. I remember reading it and feeling like the Lord had held my face in His hands, gotten my attention, and reminded me to make “doing my husband good” more of a priority in my days. Sandra has such a refreshing way of highlighting a simple, highly valuable truth, and presenting it in an undistracted way. It seems like Sandra can say in 200 words what usually takes me 400 to say! I so appreciate her heart for knowing the truth of God’s Word and for communicating it in an accurate, applicable manner. As a fellow pastor’s wife, she is an example to me of making each moment (and word) count.

Doing Our Husbands Good

Proverbs 18:22, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

My husband, a pastor, has had a more stressful week than usual. Long counseling sessions, staff evaluations, a medical situation with his dad (who is over six hours away), big changes happening to our Sunday worship service schedule, volunteer recruiting… you know what kind of week I’m talking about. They happen in every profession.

So I tried extra hard to make home stress-less. Meals ready when he was ready to eat (even if that was 9:00 at night). Things picked up around the house. Laundry done and put away. Small things that I hoped would make our home peaceful and calm. It’s one of my favorite things about being a wife. Only I can minister to him in these important and practical ways. That’s why I believe Scripture says in Proverbs that a wife is a good thing in 18:22; and in Proverbs 31:12 it says about the excellent wife, “she does [her husband] good.”

How do you do your husband good? What practical ways do you show him love? How do you make your home less stressful? Let’s learn from each other today!

Catch Me to Lead Me!

June 9, 2011 by ScriptureDig 4 Comments

One of the many things I deeply appreciate about Julie is her heart for marriages. If you don’t read her Marriage Mondays, you’re missing out! Julie can paint beautiful pictures out of everyday observances, and sweetly and humbly challenge us to be the wives God has called us to be! This post is particularly memorable for me and it comes to mind often – it was originally posted at Come Have a Peace on October 25, 2010.

As part of our camping trip for fall break, we rode the Virginia Creeper with our friends. It’s a 35 mile bike trail on an old railroad bed. We rode the top section, coming down Whitetop Mt. through forests, fields, Christmas tree farms, and towns colored with hues of autumn. One bend in the road was so picturesque we just had to stop and linger. I snapped a picture of our friends and then looked around, realizing my family had disappeared. Thinking they had taken off at a faster pace than my “reflect and linger” rate, I knew I had to move along to catch up.

Not too far down the trail I conceded I had been left in the dust. I thought about the things I’d posted about complaining in October (hate it when I convict myself!) … and I decided to choose to enjoy the time alone, to use the time to soak in the scenery, to pray and praise as I biked. I was sure I would catch up to my kin. But … several miles later there was still no sign of my bikers. I was “doing the Creeper” alone.

My prayers changed to, “Lord, should I be mad about this? They left me behind! Isn’t this supposed to be family time? Bottom line: I’ve been ditched. Forgotten. How am I SUPPOSED to feel about this? I didn’t ride this trail to learn a lesson; I wanted to have a good time!” I passed an old couple and a group of kids and wanted to shout out, “I’m riding fast to CATCH MY HUSBAND WHO ABANDONED ME!!!” :) I should’ve known I would be humbled …….

I decided to pull over and take a break from my peddling and pouting. As I dismounted, imagine my surprise when from BEHIND me came my knight in biking gear. “I finally caught you!” he shouted happily. Instead of leaving me in the dust, my fam had been lured trailside to a stunning red barn, taking pictures, without realizing I bailed out and biked ahead. A communication lapse? Yes. An accident? Yes. But instead of thinking the best of my recreating hubby, WAITING on him, and following his lead, I assumed he had left me … when I was really the one who left him.

We are called to be followers of Jesus, and as wives that means following our husbands. Isn’t it interesting that Jesus said to follow Him, we have to deny going our own way?

“Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.” (Luke 9:23-24).

To become a follower of Christ, we have to daily set aside going our own way to give preference to the leadership of another. To become a follower of a husband, we have to daily set aside going our own way to give preference to the leadership of another.

There are lots of distractions and temptations in marriage NOT to follow our husbands. It’s easy to bail out, convincing ourselves we are the victim, the one left behind, the one wronged. But sometimes being a good partner and letting our husbands lead us means waiting on them while they do things like pray, think through a decision, or take pictures of red barns. ;) Jeff WANTED to ride the trail with me, but I biked on ahead without him. We missed sharing some beautiful miles of trail together. I’m just glad the Lord made me stop peddling and pouting, so He could reunite me with my man for our journey together.

Do you find yourself running ahead of your hubby because he isn’t where you think he should be? Are you peddling and pouting up ahead of him, while he’s trying to catch up and lead you? I hope you’ll pull over and pray, asking the Lord to help you get in sync with your husband. The trail is beautiful, and doing it together is even sweeter.

Verbal Accessories

June 8, 2011 by ScriptureDig 1 Comment

{Julie is without question the most grace-filled woman I have had the privilege to meet. She is kind and wise and her words are saturated with truth spoken in love. Each Monday she shares encouragement for marriage on her blog, Come Have a Peace. This post from a few months ago, is one that I have read several times to remind me what my accessories ought to be. ~ Teri Lynne}

Last week we hosted missionaries from Eastern Europe during our Global Missions Conference. On Saturday I had a cultural experience; I went to the MALL. I don’t go to the mall often, so there’s always a bit of a jolt. I realize how out of style I really am. :) As I walked past the window dressings, I noticed the accessories. Wide belts are definitely IN (I don’t have one) this year. Trends are always changing. An accessory adds so much to an outfit.

As I interact with women and wives of all ages and stages, I’m aware of how our words accessorize us. There’s a new trend the seems to be “dressing” the looks of many women today. It’s not a wide belt or a leopard print. It’s the words we use, and it’s definitely adding to the overall statement many women are making. My own culture is shifting to more casual, crass, and often crude language. How are our verbal accessories contributing to our marriage relationships?

Proverbs 8:13 tells us the Lord hates evil and perverse speech.So where are Christian women getting ugly dressings?

Where are these ugly accessories coming from?

“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke. 6:45.

It isn’t just a matter of training our tongue; lovely language begins in a lovely heart. If we hear ourselves sprinkling in more crass, careless, or crude language, it may be a reflection of a heart that’s becoming callous to what God considers ugly versus what He sees as beautiful. If we’re having a steady diet of media (reading, movies, tv, etc) that includes a seasoning of crass language, we will gradually lose our distaste for it. Hey, it’s not hard to see why we forget what true beauty is when we take inventory of the messages the world around us constantly feeds us. The world would have us believe language that’s a little edgy, a little dirty, a little bold is beautiful. How easily we are deceived. God makes it clear what it beautiful to Him here.

Verbal accessories that add to our beauty as women and as wives are seasoned with grace.We won’t be prepared to speak with grace to the unbelieving world if we haven’t gotten in the habit of holy talk with our closest friends and family or when no one is listening. Husbands find it awkward to see their wives as worthy of honor and dignity, a person of beauty inviting his tenderness, when a wife has dressed herself in an image that’s not feminine and lacks in gentleness. It’s hard for a man to cherish his lady when she doesn’t act like much of a lady.

I’m not talking about being a diva or a pansy; language under control is an accessory of strength and beauty. Anyone can be common. It takes a wise woman to nurture her language.

By sifting out low language, we not only make ourselves more feminine, more soft, and more beautiful for our husbands, but we “dress” ourselves in accessories that speak of godly beauty to the watching world.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our husband could describe our speech as tender, gentle, comforting, and clean? And wouldn’t it be worth of praise if the world could say we must be a follower of God, because our language is so like what they know of Jesus?

Wide belts may be “in” this year, but lovely, gentle, clean verbal accessories are always “in” for the woman of God. May our words make our marriages and all of our relationships more beautiful in every season.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Love & Respect … Really?

April 22, 2011 by ScriptureDig 5 Comments

We were on our honeymoon when we fell into what Dr. Emerson Eggerichs calls the “Crazy Cycle” between a husband and wife. Jeff had worked hard to save, so we could indulge in special treats, but I was worried about spending what I thought might be our last two nickels. Before we knew it, he felt disrespected by his young bride, and I felt unloved by my tarnished Prince Charming. In Love and Respect Dr. Eggerichs says, “Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love.”

Perhaps our very nature prompts God to narrow down the key to sweet marriage with a single focus for each in 3 verses to wives and 9 verses to husbands. Husbands are to love their wives. Wives are to respect their husbands.

Young Couple Seated Back To Back — Image from Google Images/Corbis

The “marriage chunk” (5:22-33) follows the segment Teri Lynne walked us through about how to put on love and the challenge in verse 21 to submit to each other “out of reverence for Christ.” Without the modern triple space before verse 22, it’s natural to apply submission to the way couples care for each other.

Instead of a power issue, submission is an expression of love for Christ, a willing yielding of ourselves into the “oneness” of marriage. Wives willingly place themselves under their husband’s headship, and husbands respond with loving care. Is it humanly possible?

The divine relationship of Christ and His bride is the pattern and standard for the give and take:

“the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body … as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (vv. 23-24)

The submission a wife offers her husband flows from her heart as a result of following Jesus. She accepts God’s ordained order, since the word for “head” indicates an authority structure. Some have misunderstood this as a reflection on a woman’s value or voice, but it is, instead, a beautiful offering of her willingness to step under her husband’s umbrella of leadership. This yielding is not to every man or any man, but to HER man. Yielding is part of a loving cycle.

In the love cycle, God calls a husband to love sacrificially, desiring his wife’s best, guarding her purity, and putting her needs above his own. God calls men to love with “agape” love that doesn’t hinge on the behavior or response of the one loved. Unconditional loving leadership is part of a loving cycle.

As God paints a picture of oneness, He includes a vital detail. Because of the goal of loving and respecting, it requires that a husband leave the headship of his parents’ home and, instead, stick to his wife like glue (v.31). Nothing comes between them, even their families of origin. You can’t “cleave” unless you “leave.” This gives a husband freedom to lead as the authority of his home, while it gives the wife the space to be loved foremost by her husband and to respect her man as her head. A husband and wife have to step away from their homes to make one of their own together.

If the image of each putting the other above themselves seems like a lofty goal, it is. In fact this is loving “just as Christ does the church” (v. 29). Knowing about God’s power

“at work within us” (v.20) to help us walk worthy or our calling, even when it comes to wives loving and husbands respecting, we have confidence that we have what we need to walk in love.

Wives are longing to be loved. Husbands are yearning to be respected. We have the potential to give our beloved what they need most and what our marriage waits for in order to burst into fullness of life. Just as the mystery of how Christ loves the church “is profound,” so is the mystery of yielding married selves to honor our Jesus with love and respect for each other.

Have there been times when you allowed your circumstances to stunt the respect you show?

How do you see your spouse respond with love when you give

unconditional respect?

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match

March 22, 2011 by ScriptureDig 10 Comments

50th anniversary 063 — My girls & their guys

God has blessed both my daughters with godly young men to spend their lives with – and I love them both. However, before Jeremy and Justin came along, there were times I wanted to play matchmaker. Times when I thought Kelley or Sarah needed my help in finding the right husband! As always, God knew which men He had prepared for my two girls all along.

Every mother longs for their daughter to be well-cared for, protected, and loved. Naomi was no different. Although Ruth was technically Naomi’s daughter-in-law, Naomi considered her a daughter. In Ruth chapter 3, Naomi assumes a responsibility for Ruth that parents in that culture had concerning their daughters – securing her future by finding a good husband.

In Ruth 3:1, Naomi states her intention of finding a “place of rest” for Ruth.

The Hebrew word manowach, which is translated as “home” in the NIV, means “a place to settle down; a home.” For Jewish women, a “place of rest” specifically referred to the security they wanted to find with a loving husband. Naomi had one lofty purpose in sending Ruth on this nighttime mission – long-time provision for her daughter through marriage to a kinsman redeemer, an honorable man named “Boaz.” (For more about the role of the kinsman redeemer, check out yesterday’s post by Sandra.)

Naomi told Ruth to bathe, put on perfume, and dress. Then Naomi gave her specific instructions on how to approach Boaz and what to do, including “uncovering his feet and lying down” after he had gone to sleep near his pile of grain. There are some variations among biblical scholars on exactly how to understand the events that night. Unfamiliar customs of an ancient culture fill this secretive meeting.

The third chapter of Ruth is one of those Bible passages we must deal with carefully. Context and purpose are vital to understanding exactly what transpired on the threshing floor. (If you have time, read Ruth 3:1-18 now to get the story.) The following information and facts will guide us in coming to a conclusion about this encounter:

The character of those involved – Naomi, Ruth, and Boaz were all honorable people who feared Jehovah.
Intent – Naomi’s intentions were also honorable and long-term. A one-time, sexual encounter would not meet Ruth’s need.
Ruth’s dress – The word “dress” in 3:3 is simla. It normally refers to an outer garment that covered everything but the head. Poor people, like Ruth, also used this garment for a blanket, making this appropriate preparation for spending a cool night outside. Definitely not the dress of a woman with plans for seduction.
“Uncovering his feet” – this phrase has been used of seductive behavior, but not in all cases. Given the context and Naomi’s intentions, it seems more likely that Naomi’s plan was simply to gently wake Boaz when the temperature dropped in the night.
Ruth’s request – “Spread the corner of your garment over me,” was a Hebrew euphemistic idiom for marriage. The Hebrew literally translates “to spread one’s wing over.” (See Ruth 2:12.) Ruth asked Boaz to take her under his care, assume responsibility for her, and provide for her.
Boaz’ response – Boaz’ reaction speaks volumes. He obviously understood Ruth’s words and actions as a request for marriage. In fact, he considered her request a “kindness” and promised to act on it immediately.

Naomi sent Ruth on a dramatic and risky adventure. But as they say: drastic times call for drastic measures. Ruth was a poor, foreign widow in Israel. Without a husband to care for her, her future was bleak. Naomi lovingly longed to secure provision for her “daughter.” Boaz had not made any moves in that direction – possibly because Ruth had been in mourning. But now Ruth’s mourning was completed and Naomi did not want to waste any more time. Boaz needed to know that Ruth was available and willing to marry him.

Naomi selflessly focused on Ruth’s needs and took action. Who needs your action on their behalf today?