The holiday season can be a difficult time for those who are grieving. Because it’s a time to be with loved ones, it can easily magnify a loss.
Three years ago, a couple days before Thanksgiving, I miscarried for the fourth time. I still vividly remember sitting at my parent’s home, eating dinner and trying to be thankful…but feeling angry and depressed instead.
I didn’t want to celebrate Thanksgiving. I wasn’t thankful that year.
I was angry and devastated that God had allowed me to lose another baby.
Maybe you can relate.
Maybe you’re dreading the holidays this year because it’s the first holiday season you’ll “celebrate” without a loved one. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
What You Need to Know If You’re Grieving This Holiday Season:
- Let yourself feel.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. If you’re angry, let yourself feel it. If you’re sad, let yourself be sad. On the other hand, if you’re happy, don’t feel guilty about it. Being happy after a loved one has passed does not mean you love them any less. Allow yourself to feel.
God gave us emotions, so don’t bury them or pretend they don’t exist.
- Do something special to remember those you’ve lost.
Light a candle for your loved one. Say a prayer. Share a story. Hang a special ornament at Christmas time. Put flowers on the table in his or her memory.
- Prepare a back up plan.
You might not be able to handle as much this year as you typically do. That’s okay. Be gentle with yourself. Prepare a back up plan ahead of time if you need to leave early or not attend something.
- Surround yourself with loved ones.
Though it might be tempting to skip out on everything this year, try not to do so. Isolating yourself will only make the loneliness and sadness grow. Surround yourself with those who will love and support you through the holidays.
- Create a new tradition….or don’t.
Some people find it helpful to keep everything as much the same as they possibly can. Others like to start a new tradition. Do whatever is most helpful to you.
- Do something for someone else.
In the midst of deep grief, it’s easy to become consumed with yourself. (I know because I did this.) It’s easy to focus only on your pain, your loneliness, and your depression. Don’t ignore your pain, but also don’t focus only on it.
One of the ways God often heals our hearts is through our hands, stretched out to minister to another.
- Remember, God is still with you.
Three years ago, I didn’t feel God’s presence in my life. But that doesn’t mean He wasn’t there. Our feelings are poor indicators of reality. In an earlier post this month, Ali shared several Bible verses that talk about God’s presence.
Sometimes, you have to trust what you know to be true about God…even when you don’t feel it.
Are you dreading this holiday season? What other truths would you add to this list?
Wonderful advice and wisdom here, Lindsey! My stillborn daughter was born right between Christmas and Thanksgiving. The holidays those first few years were incredibly difficult. Time helps some, but it still can be hard. You have such a gift for sharing practical advice we can act on… thank you!
Ali, thank you so much for sharing about your daughter. Such a devastating thing. I’m so very sorry. You’re right that time does make it a bit easier.
Oh, Lindsey, I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for opening the door to good conversation about the role of lament in our lives as believers. We are not called to a life of “pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile.” As we enter into the reality of our own grief, we are better able to minister to those who do not have the privilege of sorrowing in hope as we do.
Michele, you make such a great point. When we allow ourselves to feel our pain, we are then better equipped to help others who are grieving. Thanks so much for sharing.
My father passed away the day after Valentine’s Day in 1979, so that holiday is always a little bittersweet for me. I was in the play “Lazarus Laughed” at the time. Not sure if that helped or hindered the girl I was then. I like these tips.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I think Thanksgiving and Christmas often get a lot of the focus in regards to holidays that are hard, but you’re absolutely right. If you lose someone near any holiday, that holiday can become very hard. Thanks so much for sharing your heart.
Great post. My dad passed away in February and this year will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. I want to do my best to honor him and enjoy them. I know it will be hard and I will pray God helps me through it. I like the idea of trying something new and making a new tradition.
You know, I wonder: when was it that our society decided it wasn’t okay/acceptable/successful to *feel*? That’s such a good point to start this list off with, Lindsey. God created us to have these emotions; it’s okay to feel them. Thank you, Lindsey.
That’s a great question, Caroline. I’m curious about that too.
Great topic for the grieving, especially so close to the holiday season. I love your suggestion to do something for someone else. After my daughter passed away, we started a tradition on Christmas Eve of bringing stuffed animals to the adult oncology unit where she had been a patient. While most of us think of children at Christmas, we discovered that adults love the comfort of a stuffed animal when they are sick as well, but are often forgotten. And hopefully the grieving understand there is not an expiration date on their sorrow. Holidays can continue to be difficult for years.
Elaine, thank you so much for sharing your suggestion. I LOVE what you have done in your daughter’s memory. What a beautiful gift you give each and every year at Christmas :) You make such a great point that there’s not an expiration date on sorrow. Such an important reminder.