The door slams immediately following the eye roll and huffing. And once again I’m left wondering how we got from, “Will you bring me your dirty laundry?” all the way to, “Mom, I’m not stupid!” with a few interjections of, “Now, please!” and, “I know!!” in between.
Breathing deeply I recite Psalm 127:3 about children being a gift from the Lord and remind myself that eleven doesn’t last forever, choosing to forget that twelve will quickly be followed by teenage years. In that moment, all I can hear is my mom’s voice saying, “I hope you have a child just like you someday!!” And my throaty whisper, “Mom, I am so sorry.”
Been there? If you have a child, I imagine you have been there, are there now, or know “there” is coming back around soon.
So, what’s a momma to do? Taking refuge in Scripture, I often turn to Proverbs. Knowing that these verses are filled with the wisdom that comes from experience brings me great comfort … usually that I’m not alone in whatever struggle I’m facing!
That old “go to” verse is familiar:
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
But, I know parents who have faithfully raised their children in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord” and seen them reject the truth of God’s Word. You probably do too. See, proverbs are simply wise sayings or precepts (dictionary.com) not absolute promises or guarantees.
And so, again I ask, what’s a momma to do?
I’m learning that parenting my daughter has so much more to do with my being God’s child than it does with her being mine. Parenting is hard work! But so is being a child. How many times have you struggled with being obedient to the Heavenly Father? Submission is tough!
In the book of Proverbs I have found four principles of effective parenting – and in them, reminders of how I can continue to grow in my own relationship with my Father.
- Determine to parent character, not behavior. Even a child makes himself known by his acts,by whether his conduct is pure and upright. ~ Proverbs 20:11 Do you focus more on good behavior or a pure heart in your children? Our focus in childrearing must be on our children’s hearts! Yes, we must teach appropriate behavior but at the core, effective parenting seeks to build a child’s character based on the truth of God’s Word.
- Desire wisdom for our children. My son, if your heart is wise,my heart too will be glad. ~ Proverbs 23:15 Are you praying that your child will exhibit wisdom? We need to be intentional about encouraging wise choices and wise thinking in the lives of our children.
- Develop an eternal focus at home. By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. ~ Proverbs 24:3-4 What is the focus in your home? Is it temporal or eternal? Build your home with an eternal passion … engaging your children in sharing the Gospel, reaching the poor and oppressed, and ministering to the widows and orphans.
- Discipline with purpose. The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother… Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart. ~ Proverbs 29:15, 17 We must not be afraid to discipline our children; likewise, we must be willing to question our motives and purposes in discipline. Scripture tells us that a loving father will discipline his son but, as one who has experienced the discipline of the Father, that discipline is never rooted in anger, fear, or comparison.
My biggest challenge is getting to their hearts. I can get the right behavior or a grumpy apology but getting them to truly be sorry or do the right thing on their own, is SO hard! It is discouraging but I have learned so much about myself and my walk with God by watching my children. It is amazing!
Ahh, yes, and the heart is really what we {and God!} are after. It’s a daily lesson in drawing closer to Him to learn from the Perfect Father how to parent imperfect children, yes?
When my childhood home, there were three girls/women and my poor father. Here, I am the lone girl. Life in Manland is very different and I have to keep that in mind every day. The Boy Way is different, not necessarily wrong. Fortunately, I have a few good friends I can go to when I need to ask, “Is this normal? Should I be panicking?” Then they talk me off the ledge and back into loving sanity (or a reasonable facsimile thereof).
–SueBE
Wow! Have you connected with http://www.themobsociety.com? A great site designed for mothers of boys.
Nothing has challenged or changed ME more than becoming a parent. It keeps me in prayer and so aware of my limitations and need for this exact wisdom from the Lord!
Me too, Julie! Me too!
I just asked my Bible Study group last night to pray for me for this very issue! We have focused on only the behavior for too long and have neglected the true heart issues. I’m praying for the wisdom to know how to change our focus in parenting!
Thank you for this. It came at a perfect time!
It is so difficult to keep that focus, isn’t it? Praying for you.
Teri Lynne ~ Great words of encouragement and great words of wisdom. It’s definitely a matter of the heart! Loved this post!
Thank you, Steph!
Teri Lynne-
Wow, this is a direct encouragement/confirmation to a message God put on my heart in the middle of the night earlier this week. And, this is the second confirmation today. God always speaks to me when my own brain finally turns off!
Terrific post.
Isn’t it amazing how God works? Thank you for sharing with me!
I was just telling my mother the other day, regarding my own children, that I can handle hard-headed (isn’t easy!) but I pray that my children are never hard-hearted. Recognizing the heart issue and reaching their hearts – one of the many facets of parenting that I am asking wisdom for. Thanks for such a fantastic post!
What a great distinction between hard-headed and hard-hearted. Thank you for sharing.
I struggle most with focusing on the heart. It is so easy just to look at behavior, after all that is what people see. It is natural for me to think if my child is behaving like he should (or others think he should) then I am a good parent. But, God reminds me it is about his heart and him loving God. Thank you for this reminder.
Mary
Teri Lynne, very wise words! You are so right that we must focus on their heart and character. God works on us from the inside out too!
Parenting is one of the few “jobs” where the learning curve remains the same no matter how long we’ve been at it! With each new stage of growth, each new child, and even each new day, comes brand new challenges!
Oh but for the grace of God and His Word, I shudder to think just how FURTHER behind I would be in understanding this mystery called parenting :)
Great post, Terri Lynne!