The Difficult Thanks, part 2

Machines beeping, blinking, and buzzing all around me … it all blurred together … the days, the minutes, the hours became a haze of sitting, standing, sleeping, sobbing.

Hour after hour I sat there, holding my husband’s hand and praying that God would spare his life.  I was spent. I could no longer put words together, could no longer form thoughts.  The lump in my throat felt permanent, the heaviness in my heart seemed crushing.  We’d been in and out of the hospital for three weeks and had ended up here … in this cold, gray room with more tubes and monitors than I could count, machines pushing oxygen through his lifeless body.

Daily I came to that room and I wept.  Never had I felt more alone, more afraid.  Never had the possibility of loss been greater … never.

In those dark, gray days in that dark, gray room I came face-to-face with a decision … Did I believe God is in control, even in times like this?  Was I going to be the one who praised Him for the abundance and rejected Him in the loss?

To be honest, I struggled …. I was terrified.   Here was this man, the man,  who had loved me in all my brokenness and given me the life-stability I had always craved, lying in a coma, fighting for his life.

Day after day I walked into that room, carrying with me my fears, my grief, and my Bible.  For though I felt alone, I was not … and though I was fearful, I was never beyond His care.  I read the words of the Psalmist and cried them out for myself,

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. ~ Psalm 62:5-8 NIV

And so, I prayed …

Lord, You alone know all the emotions and thoughts I have.  God, I believe in You – in Your plan – I trust You – but, O Lord, help me.  You have carried me every step so far – I know you will continue to do so.

~~~~~~

Lord, use me – let me be light in the darkness for You.  Help me lift You up – to point to You.   Thank You for protecting us and providing for us.

~~~~~~

Lord, thank You for the blessings You have given us – for the healing You are doing in Scott’s body; for the wonderful nurses and staff we deal with; for the great doctors; for our families who are here to help.  Keep me mindful of all of this – and use me to bless them in return.

~~~~~~

Lord, thank You for sustaining me – for giving me the strength to face each day and for healing my husband.  Help me be filled with praise and thanksgiving for all You have done for me.   And thank You for using Scott to touch the lives of others, even in these circumstances – for giving him a heart the desires to minister.

Friends, I don’t know what the difficult situation is in your life right now … but I know this, some of you reading are feeling very alone and very afraid.  May I encourage you with this – I have been there! I know what it is to feel forsaken and forgotten … but know this – God has not lost sight of you!  Giving the difficult thanks doesn’t come naturally … and it requires a relinquishing of self.   But, may I also encourage you with this – He is faithful! Always, in all things, in all ways, at all times.

May you learn, as I have, to “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone.”

What Scriptures has God used to teach you the difficult thanks?

{Edited to add after a sweet comment below:  Yes, my husband is home with us now and doing very well.  He still has a serious blood disorder (ITP) which requires continued monitoring … but at his last appointment, his platelet count was much-improved.  Glory to God!!}

{Image via Bing.com}