I should be at a birthday party today. Happy 21st!
Instead, I’ll be at the cemetery.
If my daughter Kali had lived past her first day, 21 years ago today, and the day after that, and the day after that, I’d have been more eager to live those days, too.
But instead, when she died on Day 1, November 13, after being born several weeks premature and in poor health, a part of me wanted to die as well.
Don’t we all die a thousand little deaths in the course of a lifetime? Don’t we all collect bruises on our soul?
The author of Psalm 118 certainly had his own little deaths. He knew about prisons and enemies and destruction. He (and the Hebrew people collectively) had been pushed hard.
But at this point he had not been handed all the way over to death (Psalm 118:18).
Others had. Why not him? Why not me? Why not you? Why not yet?
It took me awhile to understand why I was still living without my baby to care for. Resurrection is sometimes instantaneous, but sometimes one slow Spirit-breath at a time.
For me, it was one small (but big) thing at a time—a meal brought to our house as I recovered from the C-section, a sympathy card delivered in the mailbox, a flower left on Kali’s grave. And one person at a time—with a gentle hug, a conversation including Kali by name, a knowing look.
Each thing reminded me I had reason to still be here. I had a husband who loved me (and was grieving too), a 4-yr-old daughter who needed her mommy, and a God determined for me to know joy again.
It is for the living we stay. For the loving. For the Lord.
If you are here reading this—as I am still here writing it—the Lord still has purpose for you here, too.
Even if you’ve come to the very rim of death, or are in crisis of a little death even today, know He’s kept you from falling over the edge for now, for a reason.
You still have . . .
- living to do
- love to give
- praise to proclaim
God can empower a thousand little resurrections over your thousand little deaths.
So even though I am sad today (for me) that Kali is not here in the flesh, I can proclaim with confidence along with the psalmist in Psalm 118: “The Lord is powerful!” (Psalm 118:15 CEV) I have lived to tell what the Lord has done. And ultimately it is always good.
You can do the same.
- Because the Lord is powerful, you are loved by Him today.
- Because the Lord is powerful, you can love someone else today.
- Because the Lord is powerful, you can say so!
In honor of Kali’s resurrection on the other side, I’ve memorized Psalm 118:15-18 this week and hope to recite it with triumph over her grave later today.
May you find your own special ways this week to sing songs of triumph about the Lord’s purpose in your life. “The Lord’s right hand has done mighty things!” (Psalm 118:16). That’s your shout. That’s your victory.
15 From the tents of God’s people come shouts of victory: “The LORD is powerful!
16 With his mighty arm the LORD wins victories! The LORD is powerful!”
17 And so my life is safe, and I will live to tell what the LORD has done.
18 He punished me terribly, but he did not let death lay its hands on me.
Psalm 118 (CEV)
Question:
Who could use your love today? How can you applaud God? We’d love to hear in the comments.
“Why are you still here? To be loved, to love, to praise. http://wp.me/p1Su7F-39A #Psalm118 @DoNotDepart”
click to tweet“You have lived to tell what the Lord has done. How will you? http://wp.me/p1Su7F-39A #Psalm118 @DoNotDepart”
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Dear Lisa, You are such a blessing as the Lord works in your heart, the way you share your testimony. Kali, even though you had her a very short time, was used of Him to bring you to where you are today…giving praise that God is powerful. Love you!
Thank you, sweet Dianna. You always have encouraging words. I join you in giving praise about God’s wonderful power! I know you testify to that often in your own life. He is so good to have given me Kali for a short time here and an eternity later.
You know that I am praying for you today. I get this…I know you know that. We are members of a club we didn’t ask to join, but are there none the less. And we have lived to tell about it. I love you, Lisa. Hugs and prayers are coming your way today.
It’s definitely not a club that we would have joined voluntarily, but it is nice to meet and make friends in it. So thankful for you and Amy keeping us company in the club. God is watching over us. I love you too, Mary.
Thank you for allowing God to use this tragic event in your life to become such a blessing to others. Praying for you today–holding on to the blessed hope that we have through His promises.
1 Thess. 4:16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.
When Jesus comes again, we will see your precious sweet heart restored, and I can’t wait to meet her! And as a mamma who has had two premature babies–and have lost one during pregnancy, I understand just a little too well. Jesus knows all–He understands all–He heals all.
Hugs to you today–and may Jesus carry you through this day.
That hope is a fantastic one to have, yes? Thank you, Susan, for sharing that. I know you hold that same hope yourself to see your baby again and to see complete healing of our bodies that we struggle with here. You’re a wonderful mother and I’m thankful to call you friend.
Oh, Lisa.
My prayers are with you. I do know how you feel; my unborn child and his mother were murdered a few weeks more than 24 years ago. I still see them everywhere.
I walk in the world for them, and for all those I have loved and lost. To do less would be a betrayal of their love.
God bless you, my friend. I hope He holds you close in His arms today, and always.
Oh my. I didn’t know any of that Andrew. I’m sorry; what a grief multiplied.
I thought of you as I was writing this, for the journey you’re on now, staring down death with such courage and conviction. I hope our readers here that don’t already read your blog will click over and read some of your posts about death and life and continuing to love while we’re still here. Your voice is so relevant. Blessings back to you.
Dear Lisa
Thank you for this.
A miscarriage or an infant death is horrible to suffer: all the optimism and hope and faith you’ve been nuturing and cherishing suddenly stubbed out. And sometimes again. Life turns to ash.
A strange and bitter gift. It’s hard to go find love and hope in the world after that.
I am learning that Scripture is a comfort and a reminder and a friendly challenge: fresh love and fresh hope is always there every day, to find or create.
David
“A strange and bitter gift” – yes. Such apt words. Even though I’ve cried many tears over Kali, she has also been one of my greatest gifts.
I’m always encouraged by the insights you share as you dig into the Word with fresh eyes. It’s good for those of us who have been around awhile to remember these truths that “fresh love and fresh hope is always there every day” so that we will never take it for granted. Thank you, David; I appreciate you.
We have similar testimonies, Lisa. My stillborn daughter, Alainah, will be celebrating her 12th birthday in Heaven next month. God has taught me so much through her life and death. Your post mirrors much of what I’ve learned. Loss is incredibly difficult, but God is incredibly good! He is powerful, indeed! Thank you, Lisa, for sharing your heart and reminding us of God’s power and love. Although we grieve, there is no need for us to grieve “as those who have no hope.” (1 Thess 4:13.) Blessings, hugs, and prayers– especially today!
I’m not sure I knew about Alainah. I’m so sorry, Ali. Such a beautiful name; I’m sure she was/is a beautiful girl. Yes, I’m so glad that in our grief we have a hope that’s even bigger. Thank you for your prayers for me today. God is hearing and answering.
Oh Lisa, I’m so sorry to hear about that most painful loss that you suffered. I cannot imagine how your heart broke, and how those scars will always be painful. But, I love the hope that you have brought out of that time. Only God can do a work of resurrection, and I praise Him that He does.
When my father began to deteriorate so rapidly in the last few years, there were many times when I wondered why God didn’t just take him home. We were all suffering. But, God in His wisdom knows exactly the appointed time for each of us. And, He had a reason for leaving Dad with us until he finally passed away. Likewise, we each have a purpose, a God-ordained purpose, for each day we greet the morning. Let’s be diligent and obedient, and serve Him faithfully.
P.S. I look forward to meeting Kali someday!!
His ability to resurrect us–even daily–is such a miracle that I too often overlook. I know the death of your father has brought you much pain too, Sharon. It’s hard to understand the ins and outs of death, but I know you have continued trusting even in the dark moments.
I’m sure Kali will be blessed to meet you one day!
Lisa – joining you in your day of remembrance of Kali – and the hopes of the day you will be reunited with her.
It is interesting for me to come to your posting fresh from writing in my journal this morning about significance and loss in my own life. It was quite a typed out conversation with the Lord and included questions and some resolve if only in the surrender and acceptance of so many lost dreams – knowing He holds all dreams and his hopes for each of us within Him. It is in His time that He is the one to reveal them. And for the dreams that have died, He holds each of us ( and them ),too and asks that we understand what we can never understand. It is an area where our unconditional trust is required and our acceptance is a gift to Him.
xo Lynn
P.S. I have the same angel that is in the photograph you have used for this posting. I am assuming it is your angel and reflects Kali. Mine was a gift from my Mom 18 years ago and is a most treasured gift for all the significance that is behind it and why she gave it to me.
The same angel? That makes it even more special to me now, Lynn. I wish I could remember who gave mine to me, way back when. But I’ve kept it sitting out by a picture of Kali for years and years now.
I know you’ve had many broken dreams through the years and faced difficult times with a fierce faith. It makes you such a wonderful role model to many of us now, to know that you persevered through losses and cancer and chronic illness…and are still standing. Your journals must contain amazing testimonies and conversations with God.
This truth strikes me as particularly poignant today. Thank you for sharing it:
“… and asks that we understand what we can never understand. It is an area where our unconditional trust is required and our acceptance is a gift to Him.” May it be so with each of us.
My heart goes out to you. I think losing a child would be one of the hardest things.
Someone above mentioning a strange and bitter gift reminded me of my pastor’s wife calling his cancer a “horrible, wonderful gift.” It was so excruciating, yet God brought so much good out of it. I’m thankful His grace is sufficient.
Thank you, Barbara. I know your church family has been through such a roller coaster of emotions with your pastor dying this year so quickly yet with such grace. And then the ups and downs in your own family with the early birth of your sweet grandson. Life is full of many twists and turns that we never imagine, but yes, His grace is sufficient every time. Amen.
Such a moving testimony, Lisa. I’m so sorry about Kali. “One slow Spirit-breath at a time…” Love this. Thank you so much for encouraging me to live to recount God’s glorious deeds.
I appreciate you, Trudy. Yes, as long as God still has us here, we can know we have purpose. That truth encourages me on the days when I doubt my “ordinary” life holds much meaning, reminding me that no life is “ordinary” when God lives inside it.
A beautiful testimony, Lisa, to the value of every life, no matter how short-lived. Kali’s impact on this world continues to be felt and we are blessed to know her, through you. Thank you for sharing. Blessings.
“…the value of every life, no matter how short-lived”
Yes, yes, yes. It’s not the number of years that makes a person’s life worthwhile. Thank you for this, June. Your words bring such blessing.
Beautiful words and heart, Lisa. Your perspective is an amazing testimony. This isn’t the Garden of Eden, we suffer loss… but one day our striving and tears will cease… and what a day of rejoicing that will be.
I’d like to be there when you hug Kali again. God bless, sister.
Thanks for the moving words.
Won’t it be a grand reunion one day when we are all united again not only with Jesus but with all the people He’s allowed us to love through the years? I know you understand this–the older we get, the more people we long to see again in heaven. I’m glad we’ll get to spend an eternity catching up. Thank you, Floyd.
Dear sweet Lisa, I did not know this. Yet you are able to be strong in your faith and in your remembrance and honoring Kali’s short life. I was old enough to know my mother was sick, but didn’t know until grown that her illnesses were actually miscarriages and the loss of a stillborn child between me and my younger brother. I remember her tears; I remember her near withdrawal from us. However, something strong in her spirit brought her back to us each time. I thank God each day for that spirit and for my life, which could have been one of those.
Bless you, dear sister, for sharing courageously this time and this day in your life. Hold tight to His hand and know that He is right beside you every step.
What a story, Sherrey. I’m sure your mom was doing what she thought was best in protecting you from her grief. But I have to say I’m glad that today it’s more acceptable to talk about our losses. I already had one daughter Morgan when Kali was born, then we had our Jenna a year and a half later. They both grew up knowing about their sister in heaven. Their little conversations about her were so precious.
I know you must look forward to one day being reunited with siblings you never knew. So glad we have this hope. Thanks for encouraging me in mine today.
Lisa – thank you so much for allowing us to read about the strength you have gained from the Lord. God truly is mindful of each and every single one of is, and He cares and loves us more than we could ever know. I know that God has played a huge part in my life, and that it is because of Him that I am where I am today. He has given me strength through the hard times, and through each day of my life. I love the Lord! And I know that He lives. I know that your little girl is somewhere safe and where she can live in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. When I read this article, I was reminded of this short video (I will post the link below) but it talks about what you were talking about too. It is beautifully put together, the ending of how people come out of hard times and find God is amazing. I hope to hear your thoughts on the video! Thank you again for showing your faith in God. Have a wonderful day, God be with you~
http://www.mormonchannel.org/mormon-channel-daily/198?v=2176618422001
Thank you for your kind words and sharing your faith, Emma. The video was very moving. It reminded me also of a special friend I have whose son dealt with a severe battle of an ALS-type disease and who died from it this summer. Through it all, she kept her faith in Jesus and knew that she and her son were safe in His care. Her faith continues to be an inspiration to me. Hearing stories of people who endure difficult times by the strength of the Lord are always helpful to me.
You are so very welcome, thank YOU for responding :) I have a huge testimony that people all have difficult things happening in their lives. I am currently on a mission trip for my church, and as I serve with other missionaries it is interesting and refreshing to realize that we are all children of God, and that we are all loved. Some of the missionaries I serve with though have harder lives than I ever would have thought or expected for them. Why would someone so happy and willing to share the word and live as Christ would have hardships? But they do. We all do! My mission trip has taught me SO much! And I am grateful that I have faith in Jesus Christ and in my Heavenly Father. The gospel is what helps me in my life the most, especially when I go through hard times.
Thank you again for replying. I would love to talk to you more about faith or about my mission trip. Would you ever be interested in getting in contact via email, facebook, skype, or whatever is most comfortable for you :) Thank you for your faith as well! Have a blessed day!
God be with you~
A beautiful testimony, Lisa. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Blessings.
Thank you, Beth. I appreciate you giving your time to read and comment.
Dear Lisa …
If I were there, I would visit her grave. And whisper what a fine mama you are.
Hugs, friend … and prayers for some extra glimmers of grace for you this sabbath.
You are precious, Linda. Those words sink deep in my heart. Thank you….