Time runs out
She came too early. And left too soon. And where was God?
A difficult pregnancy left me sleepless and aching and worried. I wanted my baby girl to stay inside me as long as she could because she was safe there. But time would soon run out.
Sooner than I knew. I went into premature labor with Kali at 32 weeks. Outside of my body, she only lived 1 hour and 17 minutes.
Even though I knew she lived on, I wondered how I would. All I had of her was a clipping of her soft black hair, a copy of her handprints and footprints, and a few pictures that a nurse had taken after she died.
Pictures of a face that my memory would fade into the past.
Pictures of a body that would never see the future.
God says now
I received the pictures a few days after her death. I was afraid to look. Her body had retained so much fluid during the pregnancy that I knew it would be distorted. But who wouldn’t find her own baby beautiful, regardless of the disfigurements?
So I looked. And I saw beauty. But I was still afraid to share her picture with others. What would they think? Would they be repulsed? My mother instinct said protect her, don’t share. Lord, help me.
A week went by. And another. And another. The time still wasn’t right. But with December 25th around the corner, God pointed at the calendar. It was time. Give the gift of trust. Have faith that family would love Kali regardless of how she looked.
So on Christmas Eve, packaged with tears, I nestled a picture of Kali in a Christmas card for each of my siblings, parents, and in-laws. It was an act of faith, a gift of love, a mercy of God’s timing.
I watched as they opened. Everyone was grateful. Including this mom.
Perfect timing
God had shown me He’d walk with me one step at a time, with just the right stride. Never too slow (even when I lunge forward to speed Him up), and never too fast (even when I fight to hold Him back).
His pace is perfect. I can trust Him not only with the situation itself, but also with the timing around it.
Nineteen years later, I can still walk into my mother-in-law’s bedroom and see a picture of Kali on her nightstand. I can pull out a card my mom had given me saying she often sat and looked at Kali’s picture. I now display Kali’s picture on my living room wall, eager to share her story with anybody curious enough to ask.
And when I begin to doubt God’s timing of help in a new circumstance, I can look at Kali’s face and remember how the Lord always has, and always will, bring all things together at just the right time.
May you also trust His mercy to encircle you behind and ahead, and trust His grace to show up exactly when you need it.
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace,
that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16
Do you struggle with God’s timing, too? Do you wish he’d speed up or slow down? Leave a comment or prayer request and we’ll talk to Him about it together.
If you know of a family losing a little one, gently point them toward Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a ministry of professional photographers who donate their time to preserve precious memories.
Oh, Lisa! My heart cries. I just read through some of your Kali blog posts. Every fear of a mom. But what a story you have to tell. Thanks for keeping her memory alive and proclaiming God in all.
Thanks, Shonda. It was one of the hardest periods of my life, but yet one full of God’s mercies, especially looking back (I didn’t necessarily see or feel them in the moment). While I would never want to repeat the experience, I’d never want to take it back either. Knowing that I’ll be with Kali in heaven is a great hope I have.
I know, Lisa! I have been through different things and wished they had never happened, but I know God was there as I look back. Kali is blessed to have such a strong mom of faith! She’s smiling at you!
What a beautiful post on your Ebenezer, Lisa. I have a similar Ebenezer, except my baby was too young to know whether it was a boy or girl. I take great comfort in knowing that God knows my little one. Thanks for introducing me to NILMDTS – what a wonderful ministry. Although I am not a photographer, I hope to be able to volunteer with them sometime in my future.
I’m sorry, Debbie, that you know this loss, too. I understand the comfort you get knowing your little one is safe with God. That helps me tremendously as well.
I didn’t know about NILMDTS until a few years ago, but knowing how much my pictures mean to me, I am wholeheartedly behind them in what they’re trying to do for other families. That would be wonderful if you do get to volunteer with them some.
My heart breaks for your loss… I rejoice knowing there will be a time when you will be reunited with your daughter… I’ll look forward to meeting her there.
That’s very sweet, Floyd. Can you imagine all the introductions and all the catching up that will go on in heaven some day? :-) It’s a beautiful thought to me.
Yes, with confidence! This was one of the first verses I ever committed to memory and oh the comfort it brings. Thank you for telling this story. I’ve been moved.
I love this verse, too, Eyvonne. So many strong words and images in it that are all truth! Thanks for stopping by and allowing yourself to be touched.
so very powerful, Lisa. We must speak truth concerning grief and pain, and indeed, raise our Ebenezer. May God continue to soothe your heart and use your pen.
I appreciate your encouragement, Barbara. I find that our Ebenezers can speak the loudest when we see their help even in grief and pain, not just when things go “right” for us.
Blessed to have read!
I’m glad, Roberta. Thanks for stopping in.
Although I haven’t experienced this exact trial, I share that feeling about some that I wouldn’t want to go through again but have fond memories of God’s grace and help through them.
I imagine this time of year brings even more memories of Kali and that time. May God’s grace continue to sustain you.
Yes, our trials don’t have to be the same for us to know similar feelings. God’s grace towards us is as individual as our trials, yet his faithfulness is the same toward everyone.
I appreciate your friendship, Barbara. Your comments have been a source of God’s grace on many occasions.
Lisa,
Thank you so much for sharing this story. God uses you and your faith & bravery to make others have faith and bravery.
I didn’t know. Thank you for sharing.
Monica
Your words mean a lot to me, Monica. I feel the same about you–reading your stories of faith have encouraged me for quite awhile now. May God continue to bless all your ministries.
Oh Lisa, thank you for sharing Kali’s story here. I have been moved by your posts about her on your blog. What an example you set, that in your suffering you could see His hand, His timing. And that you can look back on it and find courage to wait for His timing in the days ahead.
Thanks, Patti. Isn’t it such a blessing that even when we can’t see what God is doing in the moment, we can trust he is being faithful?
I didn’t always see him in my days of darkest grief, and I still can’t explain why things happened exactly as they did, but because I know who he is, I don’t have to understand all the details. I want to have even more faith in his timing, and looking at my Ebenezer stones helps me do that.
I appreciate you initiating this Ebenezer series; it has been blessing me.
I just about can’t read this post right now. So much, Lisa. It’s just so much. So much hurt, but then so much grace, love, peace that God gives. (I’ve read some of your Kali posts on your blog before, too. Thank you for writing those hard words.) Thank you, thank you for not just sharing part of the story, but all of it, including God’s gracious, loving timing.
I know you’re in the midst of your own difficult story right now, taking care of your little ones. Sometimes our own stories are enough at the moment. The Lord will continue to sustain you, and I know you depend on him for that.
I’m so thankful he’s with us in ALL things, not just when things turn out the way we want, but also when things are harder than we think we can get through.
You are a blessing, Caroline.