When my mom was in her 50s, she would have sleepovers for the grandkids. She would host huge family meals. She would go to lunch with friends.
But in her 60s, she began wondering how to use the remote control, forget who a cousin was, and make list after list to remember what to do tomorrow.
By her 70s, she was in full-blown Alzheimer’s.
As the disease progressed and her dependence increased, Mama refused to acknowledge she needed help. For the first time ever, I saw her being rude to the girl we brought in to cut her hair, fire a caregiver we had hired to help around the house, and urge us to go back to our own homes because she didn’t need a “babysitter.”
The ways we were trying to love her were only making her more anxious.
How do we love someone who is no longer the same? We have to change, too.
Here are 4 ways we can adapt to a loved one with dementia in ways that benefit them, from examples of how God loves us. [Please add more ways in the comments!]
1. Stay in the moment
I tend to quickly jump from now to future plans, or from now to what I did yesterday. But people with Alzheimer’s are slower to transition between time zones, and may eventually lose that capacity altogether. They live most comfortably in this moment.
So when with them, stay in this moment with them. Be present to what’s happening now. Look at the flowers, talk about the color of their clothes, taste the food at their table. Jesus said that each day is sufficient in itself (Matthew 6:34). “No procrastination. No backward looks. You can’t put God’s kingdom off till tomorrow. Seize the day” (Luke 9:62, The Message).
2. Do things with, not just for
We all want to feel useful, regardless of our capacities. Jesus allowed and encouraged participation in His own ministry, such as letting Peter throw in the nets to catch the fish (Luke 5:4). So when possible, make things easier for your loved one to feel they’re still lending a hand as well, not just watching from the sidelines as you make all their decisions.
Guide them toward their toothbrush and toothpaste, but let them handle the rest on their own. Pare down their wardrobe so they can manage their choices about what to wear. Let them help you fold the towels, even if you have to redo the job later.
3. Listen deeply
When has God ever interrupted your prayers? He listens attentively (Psalm 34:15), even when we babble on and on. We can give that same gift of deep listening to our loved one, even when they aren’t making sense either.
One of the women in assisted living with my mom would speak in long paragraphs, using big words that were jumbled together. Once we realized she only wanted to be heard, instead of us anxiously trying to decipher her meaning, we listened differently and all enjoyed our “conversations” much more.
4. Let them know they bring you joy
If there’s an overarching feeling God wants us to get from His love, it’s that He takes pleasure in us, just as we are, because we are His children (Zephaniah 3:17). We’re not His pet projects; we’re His prize family. If we can convey that same sense of joy to our loved one with dementia—in whatever way they can best receive it—we’re giving them a priceless gift.
Who doesn’t want to feel valued? Letting someone know that they make us happy, regardless of their illness, is a beneficial contribution to their own happiness as well.
On one of the last days of my mother’s life, I watched my brother brush Mama’s hair, wash her face, place her in a more comfortable position. They were minor details that she may not have been aware of, but I’m certain she was aware of what they meant: she was being loved.
That’s the only thing that mattered.
My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other.
1 John 4:11 (The Message)
What would you add to the list? How do you show love to someone with dementia? Please share in the comments.
Related:
- How to talk to people with Alzheimer’s by Stacey Burling
- 5 Things I’m Learning from Those with Alzheimer’s
- Alzheimer’s…My Reflections
- A Book on What We Get Right and Wrong on Aging and Dying
Not much to add Lisa. I had lunch with a couple who had to put her mother in a nursing home with Lewy Body Dementia. (Sorry if spelling wrong). My dad has it (he is 89) and even though he is still lucid, he repeats himself a lot. he was combative at times and Lewy came up. Not sure where it is now. I live 9 hours away so rely on my brother to give updates. In my years as a pastor, I think dementia/Alzheimers is one of the cruelest of all.
I’m sorry about your dad, Bill. :( Lewy body dementia is something I keep hearing more and more about. I pray one day we’ll have a cure on earth for these cruel diseases that strip our minds away. In the meantime, may God give us grace in knowing how to love those who have these things. I know you must be thankful your brother lives close to your dad.
So hard.
My issue with this is in determining what’s dementia and what’s just plain acting out . . . Maybe it doesn’t matter that much, but it’s so heart-wrenching to have to say no (continually) to unreasonable requests, to rebuke bad behavior, and to apologize to employees who are just trying to make the best of a difficult work environment, which is what all nursing homes are. Your words remind me that the important thing is to keep a heart of compassion – to avoid being “hooked” into law instead of grace.
Thanks, Lisa.
I hear you, Michele. Those calls are hard to make. :( Often we will get it wrong (I know I did with my mom), but thankfully we are usually given another chance to learn and change and do better. The whole situation is definitely heart-wrenching.
You’re so right that keeping a heart of compassion for ALL involved is so important, and yes, that definitely includes the employees who work with our loved ones. Those are often angels in disguise!
Hello Lisa, this is deep. Sometimes the good things that should work may just not be right at that time. I appreciate your compassionate advice here on this.
Thanks for sharing.
Many Blessings to you, friend
Good point, Ifeoma. Sometimes it is about timing; what might work today, won’t tomorrow, or vice versa. So many things to be sensitive to. I appreciate you sharing that.
My mother had vascular dementia, so I totally understand. When her speech became unintelligible, I realized we had started ignoring her. She definitely didn’t like that! I learned to smile, laugh, and nod my head when she talked and to make eye contact with her when others talked. That way she felt included, even though she didn’t understand us and we didn’t understand her. It was my way of listening and letting her know she still mattered. You have made some great points, ones that should help caregivers. Thanks!
What a beautiful example of love, Nancy! Sometimes just nodding and smiling is all we can do to give understanding, but thankfully God can make that be enough. I’m sure those were painful times with your mom, even though joy is always mingled in, too. The only good thing about death for those with dementia is that they are finally freed to be their whole selves again and totally healed in the arms of Jesus. I’m grateful for that with my mom.
Our mother had Alzheimer’s and #1 on your list was so important to realize. Mom was in a care facility & they were so very helpful. God had us surrounded with His chosen ones to guide us through the very difficult experience of losing who the loved one was & having the privilege of caring for them to the end.
Staying in the moment is a lesson I’m still trying to learn, even though my mom has been gone now since 2010. I’m glad you were able to experience good care for your mom; we had an overall good experience as well with an assisted living facility that my mom had to move into near the end. Those ladies who worked there were living examples of humility and unconditional love. Yes, God does provide us not only with what, but also who, we need to get through hard times. Blessings to you, d. Thanks for sharing here.
Thanks for the advice, Lisa. Makes a lot of sense. I haven’t had to be around someone with it much, but if and when I do this will absolutely change my perspective. No coincidences.
I’m glad you’ve been able to avoid this particular disease in your family, Floyd. It’s a doozy. But yes, if it does come around to someone you love (it seems to get close to all of us sooner or later, unfortunately), I’m sure you’ll be a gentle man to have around.
I’ve not had to deal with dementia, but your 4 points definitely make sense. I think staying in the moment would probably be the main point. I’ve never considered before how hard making transitions from the past to the present and also to the future might be for someone suffering from these kinds of illnesses. I suppose you would try to determine what time in their lives the patient was mentally present in and then join them there?
Exactly, Jerralea. It seems that many with dementia can go way back in their memories much easier than they can remember yesterday. And if that’s where they are, we can travel in time there, too. I don’t get how memories are wiped out, but I have noticed that many assisted living facilities and nursing homes often have memorabilia and music from decades ago, to help jog those long-term memories.
I appreciate these practical ideas and the love that prompted them, Lisa. This is a difficult, heartbreaking road to walk … with many decisions and choices thrust at us out of nowhere. Thanks for this conversation …
You’re welcome, Linda. Even though I had several great aunts with Alzheimer’s, it still wasn’t a journey I expected to go through with my own mother. But the Lord was there with grace all the times we stumbled, and He’s still working on alleviating my own fears that I’ll get Alzheimer’s myself one day. I have to fight back those thoughts and trust that His grace will be there for me and my family too, if one day I do get it. But hopefully I won’t!
Thanks, Lisa, for this wise, honest, and thoughtful post. So many are experiencing the challenge you describe. My parents died 21 years ago this year and this was not the path I was asked to walk, but I have shared the journey with others who have done so and commend you for all you have shared here.
Blessings on you and your wisdom in this post!
Pam
That’s a long time to have lived here without your parents, Pam. :( I’m sorry that is part of your journey, but you’re right that each of our paths are different. Everybody has both good things and hard things, but thankfully we can still walk alongside each other and have compassion on each other even when our paths aren’t exactly the same. Thanks for sharing.
Lisa, I love the 4 points that you shared here. I would add “honor their wishes if at all possible.” Mom chose not to force my grandmother to move out of the home or to have any in-home care until her safety was in jeopardy. She lived with my grandfather on their own until the midddle of last year, and looking back now, I see how wise my mom was. The change in routine and environment was too traumatic for both of them, and they crashed quickly. Had mom listened to me and moved them 5 years ago like I suggested, we would have lost them sooner.
That’s a great addition, Lyli. Everyone is so individual, and if at all possible, we do well to honor each person’s intentions. That’s certainly what I would want someone to do for me! The Golden Rule is always applicable. Thanks for sharing your story here. A wonderful example.
Thanks you these great tips, Lisa. They all resonate with me, but especially doing things with and not just for. When my m-i-l was in assisted living, I’d sometimes straighten her room, and she acted a little embarrassed. But it was stuff housekeeping didn’t get to and needed to be done. I tried to do some of it when she was napping or in the bathroom. She didn’t notice it if she didn’t see me doing it. :-) It’s hard to do anything with her now when she really can’t do much of anything. Sometimes it’s hard to sit and watch reruns with her when there is other stuff to do, but I know the companionship is nice for her.
Thanks for those real-life examples, Barbara. It’s sweet that you take time to sit and watch reruns with your m-i-l when I’m sure there’s a thousand other things you could be doing instead. That’s love. You could write your own book on this subject from your priceless experiences!
Lisa, thank you for your thoughts on this. I think that in general we need more teaching/training on this kind of care in the Church. I often hear of the struggle others have as they try to care for aging parents.
Also what I notice about your list is that everything you mention is a very healthy thing for every relationship but certainly even more important when dealing with Alzheimers.
I agree, Caleb, that we could use more training on how to do this. I know I could have used it! And I appreciate your insight that, yes, EVERY relationship can use more of our undivided attention and joy. Blessings to you and your family.
This is timely, Lisa, though I’m not at liberty to share details at this time. Thanks for passing along your experience, though I’m so, so sorry Alzheimer’s is part of your journey in the first place. Not wasting our suffering is one way to glorify God with it, so all glory to Him for what you write here and in the Alzheimer’s posts on your personal blog.
Thank you, Christina. I wouldn’t have chosen Alzheimer’s to be in my bloodline either, but since it is, I do want to give it to God for however He can use it. (Although I’d rather just return it altogether, honestly!) Praying for your unspoken situation. Whatever it is involving Alzheimer’s, I’m sure it is difficult. :( May the Lord give you peace, wisdom, and guidance in the days to come.